The key to a woman’s heart is to make Ben Affleck look like a baby hating womanizer in the blockbuster Armageddon.

When trying to undermine a guy in front of a girl, men often use the name trick:

“So, how’s Chester?”
“You mean Charles?”
“Eh, whatever!”
(Shared obnoxious laugh)

Scientists are not skilled in the art of dating, mating or even basic, casual conversation. So what’s their big theory on how to get the girl? It’s easy, make yourself look taller, better looking and more heroic than…. Ben Affleck.

NASA Scientists have taken years of research and millions of dollars to make Benny look like an idiot in an attempt to search for areas of interest alluded to on Cinemax’s After Dark programming. They have created a simulation that proves that suiting up to drill holes into an asteriod in an attempt to drop nuclear bombs is a foolish tactic.

Personally I’m still on the fence on whether or not we could even land on a moving rock, given our trouble landing on a stationary moon, but NASA is optimistic.

In fact they have compiled a list of Asteroid Fighting Alternatives that they gaurantee will swoon women into their twin size beds.

Our Last Hopes:

1. Chuck nuclear bombs NEAR the asteroid, timing the explosions to match the latest Kesha song, thus proving that bad music can be used for something other than inhibiting teenage intellect.

2. Hire a famous, preferably gay, interior design expert to assist in recoloring the asteriod. Apparently how much light the rock reflects / absorbs can change the speed / direction of the asteriod. They are still debating if it has to be satin, gloss or semi-gloss paint.

3. Gravity Tractor! Fly a ship with substantial mass, most likely filled with all the obese people found at Adult Space Camp, in an attempt to push the asteriod with our man-created gravitational force. If this doesn’t work then we’ve at least solved the obesitiy problem.

4. Giant Rocket Strap-On to thrust the asteriod away. We could probably use Ben for this one.

5. Let it hit us! Scientists predict that if it were to hit Earth, probably L.A., drawn by the Star Attraction, it’d be better to let it hit one place rather than attempt to destroy it and allow numerous other areas to get hit.

Riiiiiigggghhhhhtttt. That way we allow the epicenter of attractive people to disappear and lower Ameican Standards while raising Scientist Sex Averages.

Well, Docs, we are on to you. Ben is too.

(Original Article: “Another Good Reason Not to Shoot Nukes at Asteroids” Ian O’Neil, Discovery News)

I think porn is the only thing that could potentially save Fat America.

Historical Facts: back in the day, which may or may not have been a Wednesday, fat people were rich and sexy.

Now we have fast food and Walmart – an easy way to spend little and gain pounds.

We are at a crossroads! Well, a rest stop really, given the American aptitude for trying anything new anymore.

Poor people – fat. Rich people, unless struck by Hollywood – still a bit heavy.

That leaves people like me in the middle; a young, adrenaline chasing mountain climber that frequents the gym. I do it partially for personal gratification, sure, but mostly because I know being in shape is the gateway to potentially crazy intercourse (who says intercourse, honestly).

How do I know this? Porn!

The majority of porn streamed/downloaded, based on my biased and limited scope, features in-shape guys with beyond good looking girls.

The government will pick up on this, I’m sure, and I can already feel a stimulus package coming. The White House will come clean, own up to under the table reach arounds, and do it’s part to make free porn more accessible, perhaps incorporate it into elementary health courses. We have to plant these seeds at a young age!

I must hit the gym more often now before it’s too late and the government porn friendly mandate wipes out natural selection.

Otherwise I’ll never be able to do that one thing with that one chick, on a trampoline, while someone on the ground shouts, “You’re the king!” over and over.

This post, my first post, is pessimistic.

It’s purpose is to introduce the “Of Course” category which is really just another way to say Murphy’s Law. I dislike the name Murphy.

I’m currenty moving and in 4 days all the stress of moving will be lifted. I am aiming for a clutter free life so I am selling almost all of my furniure which will leave mostly clothes and books for me to deal with.

In finishing the last of my laundry my washer decided, without any prior approval, to break. I move in 4 days and my bathroom is falling apart.

I can eat out for 4 days.

I don’t have a TV (well I do, I don’t pay for cable) so any problem with the living room would be fine.

I do need to shower. And wear clean clothes. I would also like to not have to pay for an Invasive Aquatic Boat permit in order to row myself to the toilet.

Of course, washer, of course – well played.

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